The Silver Spring Penguin

Here’s a little history lesson: The Chinese invented everything that makes life worth living. Paper? They invented it. Spaghetti? That was them, too. Fireworks? Holler. They even invented the fork before inventing chopsticks.

Most importantly, the Chinese invented fast food — the opportunity to purchase and immediately consume hot food at a decent price. Dim sum, a meal dedicated to fast food, becomes a demolition derby at the Hollywood East Cafe on the Boulevard (2621 University Blvd W) in Wheaton. But don’t let the chaos keep you from inhaling some good Cantonese eats.

Here’s how dim sum at Hollywood East usually plays out: One waits for a table (though not too long if the party’s small). Once seated, patrons are assaulted by servers hustling appetizer-sized dishes out of dented steamer carts. Don’t be afraid to ask what’s available — just pay close attention to the server’s response, usually thrown out so fast that your order will be reduced to, “Um, I’ll take that one.”

Like lots of dim-sum joints, some dishes are hits, others are misses. However, Hollywood East tends to offer more of the former, plus a dizzying selection that Oriental East (near The Blairs apartments) can’t top. Most importantly, each dish is affordable enough (generally between $3 and $6) that the misses don’t hurt too much, and the hits taste all the better.

So what are the hits at Hollywood East?

Carnivores will enjoy the succulent chunks of pork (below, left), either roasted or fried (does it really matter when it’s pork?) and served with a sweet plum dipping sauce on the side. The meat is pink and tender, while the skin is crisp and not greasy. Even the small bits of fat on the meat are like buttah.

If carbs aren’t an issue, hit the sticky fried rice (above, right), gingery with a slightly sharp bite of fresh scallions, and small bits of sweet Chinese sausage to balance it. And yes, it’s sticky enough to make any chopstick spazz look like a rocket scientist. The Singapore mei fun, a bowl of thin rice noodles stir fried with a stiff kick of curry, is also good eats. It’s a terrific change of pace for those who are jonesing for noodles but are freakin’ tired of the same old lo mein.

Vegetables are an endangered species at this dim-sum service, so tackle the server when she brings around the steamed Chinese broccoli (below). Unlike the American concept of broccoli florets, the Chinese version is big on the mildly sweet stems that snap when cooked. The greens are also tasty, though a little on the bitter side, like spinach.

The Chinese broccoli hits the table with thick, brown oyster sauce, sometimes drizzled on top, sometimes pooled around the broccoli stems. The sauce itself can be sweet and salty like kettle corn, or just straight-up salty like, well, salt. Do your best to get it on the side before the server ladles it on.

Nearly all of Hollywood East’s steamed buns and dumplings are winners, though a couple are duds. The steamed shrimp balls (below, left) are doughy and bland, the gefilte fish of the Far East. And the stuffed abalone (below, right) packs a lot of celery (read: filler) that overwhelms the flavor of shellfish and ground pork. Otherwise, feel free to hit anything labeled “dumpling”.

The service during dim sum hits like a tidal wave — all at once when the carts are loaded, then nothing at all while the kitchen plays catch-up. But those lulls give diners enough time to take it all in and prepare their appetites for the next assault.

Parking at the restaurant’s small lot doesn’t always happen, so be ready to feed the meters on University Boulevard, or just take the Metro to Wheaton. Just don’t park in the Bank of America lot next door — you will be towed, warns a sign posted on Hollywood East’s front door.

Hollywood East Cafe on the Boulevard, 2621 University Blvd W, Wheaton, (240) 290-9988.

Photos by J. Deseo and R. Pace for The Penguin.